My struggle growing up as a gay Jehovah's Witness - My Story.

I was brought up as a Witness by my Mum & Dad and Step Father and i got baptized when i was 16 in March 2009. At a very young age i always knew that i wasn't quiet 'normal' compared to most people. I would giggle and shy away from guys that would show an interest in me. But i never really knew why. As i was growing up, my homosexual feelings were getting stronger and stronger and the supression on my body was getting worse. But i put it to the back of mind and put all my effort into doing what i thought was best to serve Jehovah. I was part of the cast in the drama at the assembly, i would pioneer and i had a huge network of friends who i loved. But this also meant trying to change my way of thinking towards men. Which was a struggle because i had no interest in women what so ever. You would literally have to drag me down the isle in order to marry a women. To me i view a women was a friend, nothing more. I just couldn't see my future remaining single. I'm not the kind of person that wants to sleep around with one guy and drop them the next day. I want love and affection and to be in a relationship with someone that i am attracted to.

As I was getting older my feelings were getting stronger and i just felt like a ballon waiting to explode ! I would cry most nights thinking that Jehovah didn't approve of my sinful state. I was so scared that i would die at Armageddon and not be saved. I would go to the meetings and get really nervous everytime the subject of homosexuality came up. I just couldn't see how i could stay as a witness and also be who i am. Because my whole life was based around this religion.

But i continued totally unaware of what was going to happen in the future. Now when i was at school and six form i did what the organization wanted me to do. So i made sure that i didnt go to University, i didnt have friendships with people i went to school with. But i knew that when i went into work, that was going to be a struggle. I started work October 2010 and i quickly made friend with people. This feeling was so different. It was like i was let off my dog collar and out into the outside world.  I made friends with A gentleman called Tim. We got on, had a chat and he would always make me laugh even at the most serious of subjects. My suspicions of him being gay were there but i didn't care too much because I wasn't ready to tell anyone.

But one day in August 2011 we were talking and he was dropping hints to see if i was i gay. Eventually it all came out. He was the very first person i ever told i was gay and i begged him not to say anthing. It was very hard for him to understand how a kid of my age had been cooped up in a bubble and  never had sex or ever been with another guy. Unfortunately things turned for the worst when my parents got involved. Tim suggested it was a good idea to tell them. After telling my parents that i was gay, it felt like the whole world was to caving in. Tim reassured me that this situation will get better.... Did it ?? Far from it. My parent and the elders told me that they accepted who i was ( This meant however you need to change your way of thinking ). Although they couldnt agree with the act i was doing... Which puzzled me a little because i thought to myself '' how i am going to remain celibate for the rest of my life? I need love !''.

I had months of constant meetings with elders and two judical meetings telling that this was not a path I should take and in God's eyes it was a sin. I tried to tell them and explain that it wasn't about wanting to sleep with endless amount of people, but rather the desire for love and to be in a warm, loving relationship. But then i would talk to Tim who said to me '' You need to be you, and not a live a lie''. Those words stick very clearly in my mind right to this day He always said i would make new friends and that i will find someone. At first i hated him for telling me this, because I was always brought up to believe that being gay was wrong. However i'm glad that he did because i've finally opened my eyes into realising that I need to be true to myself. My heart was torn and I just felt like I was being pulled at both direction. The problem that i had was that i had based my life on the organization so i didn't really know what the outside world was like. I had no other friends and i would lose all my family and friends. But to have such a supportive person by side is really helpful.

But eventually i found the courage and the strength to finally say i no longer want to be a Jehovah's Witness. It was really hard to reason with the elders and to open their minds into how i was feeling. The week in between me being disfellowshipped and announcment being made was really emotionally. I said goodbye to people I loved dearly, before they all knew they would have to view me as if I was dead. The announceemnt was offically made on 02.02.12.  . I do have regrets sometimes, thinking was living the religion the best thing to do. But i'm trying to stay positive and keeping a smile on my face. Hopefully i can prove the elders wrong in my decision and finally be happy and comfortable within my myself.

Thank you to everyone that has helped me over the last 5 months. It has been a struggle, and it will continue to be a struggle emotionally, but hopefully i will be able to get passed this and be truly happy. 

Jordan Ankapong :)

Do you have any religious issues with Witness belief other than just the gay issue?

Maybe you should look into some of their other teachings to really get free from it.

I noticed your original post came in, but others are not.  Did you switch browsers?  I use FireFox and it works, but I hear Internet Explorer 9 has issues.  Others have said that with IE9 there is a compatbility icon you have to click on to get it to work.

Good point,  james_woods.

Jordan, thank you for posting your story. You are among true friends here. A true friend supports you in your endeavor to become the best person you can be, while also respecting you for who you are. False friends demand you to become who they want you to be so that you can fulfill their agenda, and they disrespect you unless you comply with their demands.

Don't concern yourself with trying to prove anything to the elders. You are no longer under their headship/authority/control or whatever you want to call it. They are like bosses at a job you have quit - they are no longer your bosses and that was their decision. You don't owe them any explanations.

You do not need the approval of anyone in that organization. They are a closed chapter in your life. Now here's a welcome hug for you.

Great first post, Jordan. Welcome OUT!

There are a few of us homos on this board who have been through exactly what you described. Our details may vary, but the emotional and psychological hurricane we go through is pretty much the same.

Sounds like Tim is a good person to have in your corner. We all need that in-person contact. But also, stick around here and keep learning. You will discover that the gay issue is only the tip of the iceberg and one of the least of the reasons to make a clean break from the WT organization. That was my experience, anyway. I left due to the illtreatment of gays by the Watchtower society. Now, when the question of my departure comes up in conversation, I tend to bring up so many other, more damning topics I have learned.

In the meantime, your disfellowshipment for homosexuality is your main focus. Hammer it out on this forum. Spit it out and kick it around all you want. We've been there ourselves and we'll be there for you. There are so many very helpful people on this forum. You can learn a lot.  Also, if you are trying to reconcile homosexuality with Christian faith, may I suggest you poke your nose into the Gay Christian Furum at: http://www.gaychristian.net/ . Read through the two essays they have on the main page. It's a good place to start.

Nice to meet you!

Jason

Just want to say a HUGE HUGE HUGE welcome Jordan. You are amongst friends here and I hope the people on here can support you and show you thw kindness and love which you deserve!

Love Tim xxx

You have to be who u are.  DO NOT make apologies for who you are. Just because it is not the norm, does not make it wrong.

Welcome Jordan!  I always found the anti-gay rhetoric at the hall offensive.  I never could understand why people get so wound up about who someone else finds attractive.

Welcome Jordan!

The elders couldn't talk you into marrying some sister to get you straightened out sexually? I've seen that one fail. As if it isn't enough to leave one person unhappy and unfulfilled, their solution is often to make two people unhappy and unfulfilled.

Welcome to JWN and the rest of your life!  It is difficult to be shunned by family and friends.  But the difficulty becomes exponential when you surround yourself with toxic people like jws who are brainwashed by the Watchtower. 

Jordan, welcome and congrats on freeing yourself from the jws. I hope you are able to find good friends who love you as you are.

Welcome. It's all good- or it will be eventually, lol. You have done a good thing.  

Hey Jordon thankyou for sharing your experience and feelings with us, I appreciate that and hope you receive all the good advice that you need.

Az

Hello Jordan it's so good to read your story. Everyone's life experiences differ & even if you have a good relationship with your JW parents, growing up as a gay person in the WT is so lonely & guilt ridden.

It took me until my late 50's to finally say enough is enough I'm no longer going to tolerate being condemned for something I didnt choose to be.

I found TimothyT to be very encouraging with his PM's & a great help as I read his experiences on this site.

Having now experienced being in the arms of a beautiful man I know 50 years of prayer & supplication to God never made an ounce of difference. He didn't do anything to eleviate the pressure & inner conflict.

Like Timothy you are young & have your whole life ahead, I wish I had had the same courage.

Love to you Jordan 

Welcome Jordan Great to have you join the family here on board
Thanks for sharing your story. I am the Granny on board ..I give advice
Not all on board take it ...But being Mouthy I give it any way.

Yes it is awful that the WT makes folks feel inferior,but GOD knows YOU!
& loves YOU!!! We are what we are,I still believe Jesus is the WAY,TRUTH,LIFE!!
He examines HEARTS not our whole body. We were fortold we would be led astray
if we listen to false prophets,you did,I did,  But we were told LOVE covers a multitude of sin..
We all are sinners, He died for ME & You sweetie...So this old gals advice is to stay in prayer
to Jesus Christ,  Dont let the WT turn you off the Creator.....Sounds to me (& who the heck am I)
that your heart is a great one...loving ,caring,So my dear accept  Jordan
Good Luck!!!! OPPs !!!!we were not allowed to say that were we.? Well Good fortune ,
But the BEST of luck XXXX
Mouth Grace Gough 

  JORDAN- Welcome to the board ! I know it's been really challenging for you from your opening thread here. Just want you to know we are glad you are here and that you are among friends, O.K. ? Hang in there my friend, I'm glad you have a supportive partner helping you to move on from the JW's. We're here for you as well. Take care, Peace out, mr. Flipper

Welcome JORDAN :)